Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News

Well, another day, another Doctor visit. Endocrinologist to be precise. Aka Cancer Doc. Have had numerous medical appointments as of late. Test, Scans, More Tests, More Questions. Unfortunately not many answers or rather the answers I am getting are not positive.

So, today I get to find out the extent of the cancer and what can be done about it. I am well aware of the treatment options, lets just say a sharp stick in the eye would almost be preferable.

 It is already been determined that numerous lymph-nodes are enlarged (key cancer indicator). Have had one biopsy last year that was "inconclusive" sparking a slew of appointments and tests. Almost every month since I have had blood tests, several ultrasound scans and changes in medications. The condition has been deteriorating, nodes are larger, throat is in more pain, voice is horse, and vocalizing is painful. Swallowing is a great time.

Having had cancer in my lymph-nodes and thyroid, is not a helpful history. Actually improves my odds of becoming cancerous numerous times in the future. My immune system is compromised which is of no assistance either.

OK, I am getting my self ready for the worst and hoping for the best.

Obamanism

 Just sitting here about 5 drinks in, last time that will happen for sometime. It seems the economy or lack there of, has caught up with my family.

  My Other half has become one of the new statistics that won't be properly reported. Unemployed. and Uninsured. By no means was any of this her fault. Just a downturn in income versus outgo..

 I am not all that concerned about the income that is not a difficult thing to accomplish, my main concern is the medical and prescription insurance that was essentially keeping me alive. I have been told this is  selfish and self centered of me. I suppose it could be seen from that  angle. I see it as life and death. This may seem drastic and yes selfish, yet the facts are the facts.

 It is highly improbable that I will be covered by any other insurance company due to pre-existing conditions, Those that may accept me want more than my disability payment per month. This puts me in a wonderful situation, of do I live or do I support my family? My income does not even cover my house payment close but not close enough. This does not even take into consideration the cost of living itself. 

 

liberal  [lib-er-uhl, lib-ruhl]

One whose mind is so open that their brains fell out.

Matters Change

What matters in one's life tends to be tied to age.

 Maybe that is too simplistic, Your Ideals and Convictions as well as your Morals and Scruples are malleable. They are open to being molded to fit the period you happen to be at in your life. When you are young you tend to be carefree, irresponsible and immoral. As you age you find that behaving in a different manner is more appropriate  In other words you grow a conscience, scruples, a  moral code of conduct.

 Some unfortunately never do, we have many in prison to prove that. There is also the Ideals you likely have compromised more than one time to "get along", compromised to further yourself, or decided the ends justify the means. Then there are some out there like myself who have stiffly instilled a moral compass that has carried me far in life. Not to say I have not had my share of compromises. But have managed to keep in me the most important ones unchanged and uninfluenced.

 I wish to rectify the imbalances in my CHI/Karma/Spirit. This means major compromise of my inner being. I am searching for what I am not sure. But, I know it is not where I am in this life. I am at a point of no return in a manner of speaking. A crossroads maybe? Fork in the road?. Who knows.

 It is obvious my current issues are not good for all involved, I could blame all this on everyone else, on cancer, on illness, or many others things I am certain. This would not be entirely correct. I have changed mentally as well as physically in many ways. Not sure I want to change back, I do want to get back to good for myself, if no one else. This means I have to follow a new and different path.

 Fearful? You bet! Major change is always a scary thing. It is likely there will be some pain for everyone, myself included maybe even much more. However, I am in much pain now and those around me are also, my fault in many ways. Searching for a solution that will avoid as much conflict as possible. I have to admit to myself I have not succeeded in many key areas or at least I did not do the best possible.

 Hard thing to do, when for your whole adult life all you have done is dedicate yourself to your family. Having small successes. Yet either the failures are huge or they are magnified massively. For me it is a devastating and disheartening thing no matter which it may be.

What/Who am I?

Been having many issues lately, not certain I am not somewhat to blame.

 How is it that you devote your entire life  for your offspring, and Fail?

 I have as far as I believe given nothing more than all I am to the family I have created. All my Love, Care, and Purpose. I am not perfect nor do I even think I might be, that does not mean I have not made an attempt.

 I had for years thought I had succeeded, in many ways I have. Somehow I managed in the process to fail as well. OK, maybe not fail entirely. But, failed in major ways  I was unaware of. Some I am still. I can not claim to be the best father on the planet, nor do I. I did think I was on a far better course. 

 Failing even a small amount, at Parenting, is nothing to scoff at. That is how all the recent issues have left me feeling, someway I have failed, screwed up, destroyed my own sense of morals. I may not have altogether but, it can not be discounted. I must be responsible for my actions and words. Accountable for what ever it is I have done. Good or Bad is not the idea here, accountability is just that being accountable for your actions and decisions. No matter what they be or what you or anyone else interprets them.

 Being a Parent is not a job or a burden, although at time it makes you wonder. Parenting seems to be a simple process. You decide to procreate, have said creation, then realize it is indeed a Job, a Responsibility, a way of Life..

 That is the start and a simplistic easy way of looking at it.  What no  one knows is what comes next..The responsibility, the Love, the Care, and the Total Commitment of your life for theirs.

 I am the parent of 4 wonderful children all of whom are adults now , except 1. 

 I have other ideas / answers I am formulating at the moment, I will post them when I can properly explain them.

Mornings

 Most mornings I wake up between 0230 - 0400. It does not matter when I go to bed 2200 - 0000, awake happens on a mostly regular basis.Some nights sleep just never comes. Let me try to explain what happens and my possible contribution to it all.

 I get up, get dressed in the dark so as not to awake anyone (not always successful). Then I proceed to prepare my Daughter's lunch for school (most school days). Usually PB&J or PB & Nutella ( a non-nutritional substance they claim is "wholesome") Her choices , I toss in chips, maybe a cookie or two or some other snack type item. Add in a Switch juice beverage and voila!

 It gives me time to think and be busy at the same time. Time to think of answers I can not get, Time to reflect and wish I had better answers for my daughter. Something  I envisioned like this:

Good Morning Daddy, (groggily and with morning attitude of a 16 yr old) Hugs as well.

Good Morning Baby,how are you?

Groan, (off to bathroom she heads) 

Dad? 

Yes? 

Why are you up so early? Well, I am on several Medications that have not been real good at letting daddy sleep, stress, and I guess fear as well.

Fear, Dad? You are afraid? Why yes Dear I am. Let me try to explain it to you, if you have a minute.

You remember when I was hurt real bad a long time ago? Yes, I remember. Well Daddy permanently injured himself and now has problems with his right hand and shoulder. The doctors can fix it right? Not really they have fixed it as much as they can. So the arm  works much better but will never be the same again.

So what does that mean? It means Dad's arm is not going to get much better than it is right now. But, you hurt all the time. Yes, this is true. But there is more to the answer  for you.

After all the bad medication for a very long time I got real sick real bad and had to be in the hospital, I am sure you remember. The doctors told me I was comatose for 6 days. They also said all the experts agreed they could not find out why I was in a coma. I think it was all the pain medications.

 So, after all that, the doctors found out the Dad was far more sick than all of that even. They discovered that Dad has Cancer in his throat called Thyroid/Lymphnode Cancer.   Dad can they fix that ?

 We have tried to and even thought there was total success. They removed what at the time they believed to be all the cancerous tissue including the entire thyroid. OK Dad, what does the Thyroid do? It tells the body how and when to produce hormones, steroids, and much more. it is sort of the pharmacist of the body. Without it or with a damaged one things like weight gain , illnesses, and Cancer. It tells your body when to fight infection.

OK so what does it all mean? Well, sweetie it means that Daddy has to go through numerous tests and procedures it is the hope that they can kill or remove the rest of the cancer we think is going on inside me.

Are you going to die? I am going to try real hard not to. But, it is a serious possibility. So is that why you are scared? Partly yes,mostly I am scared of not being here for you. Getting up every morning and fixing your lunch is not just a chore I do, It is a labour of Love and Caring.

 
Alright then, what about your legs you are always hurting and they swell up super big. Yes you are right dear, the several doctors I have seen have told me the issue is incurable. I will have to wear special wraps and stocking to help reduce the swelling. So you are saying you have to live with the problem forever? Pretty Much.
":

So, you can see some of the thoughts I have this early in the Morning. Sorry if it is a bit sappy  This is how I had hoped to explain things in one aspect, it is also wanting what is lost. Hoping that a major change will push me in the right direction for all involved.

It's the little things sometimes that bring us down the earth when we need it most. I assume the medications that are keeping me alive are also causing me much lack of sleep. This translates into poor judgement, more pain, and angry behaviour. Especially toward those most important to me. The Anger comes from lack of sleep and a feeling of hopelessness, helplessness and failure, oh yeah and the HIDEOUS BEAST CANCER.

Just keeping myself moving day to day is sometimes like climbing Mt Everest and forgetting your oxygen. Or to make more simple it is like climbing a 16ft ladder that only has the three lower rungs. and one at the top.(you gonna fail)

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Thoughts

 Being the Mentally Unstable Person they claim I am.(not that I'm Not) However the labeling tends to be disingenuous at best. Mentally Unstable can be used and often is as a catch-all diagnosis. Shrinks, who are in my opinion the biggest educated idiots on the planet. If they can't not diagnose or understand a persons ailments they slap generic terms on them and vague ones at best. Drug people up and send them on their way, major mind control.

 I have been going to shrinks and medical doctors 42+ years now, monthly, numerous times a week sometimes, inpatient (or as i saw it inmate) and/or outpatient. Even against my will for years. I can tell when I am being handed a load of excrement. 

 Usually it is a cover-your-ass mentality. They don't wish to be sued so, they come up with vague or entirely general diagnosis's. They know the truth but, can not tell you until they soak you for all the moneys they can. They can not tell you out of fear as well, fear they are wrong, fear they will be sued even if they are correct.

 Essentially, we have sued ourselves out of honest quality medical and psychiatric care by being greedy. Greed on all sides of the issue, corruption, Lawyers, Doctors, Government intervention and worst of all apathy.  There was a time the local doctor came to you and you paid him in chickens, a good meal or you bartered for his services.


 It used to be if you were a bad doctor you would not be one for long, lack of patients. It is called the FREE market. A good doctor knows that if he does his best and preforms well he will be paid well. His patients would have a waiting list. Well, now it no longer matters the quality of the doctor they pay insurance companies to cover them Good or Bad.

 What most people fail to understand that when they sue anyone, it costs them far more in the long run than the short term windfall. Medical costs are where they are due mostly to incredibly dumb laws and greedy no good lawyers. 

 Think about this if you sue XYZ Medical Corp., do you really believe you will be better off if you win or you lose? Trick question you lose either way! If you win the Hospital and Doctor will not pay a dime. But you certainly will when the medical costs jump 20% or more annually to cover the losses of your lawsuit. If you lose YOU pay untold amounts of money on lawyers and guess what again the health costs will rise to cover the costs of their lawyers and the higher premiums the insurance companies will be charging.

 On principle it would make sense if the Doctor and or the Hospital could be held accountable. They aren't, they are insured. So, what is it you the injured party gain NOT A DAMN THING! If we can not hold those responsible culpable for their actions then we all lose! 

 We desperately need to return to the values that got us here, mainly TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF!  

 Realize that things happen and do not have to be some others fault, nature drops piles on everyone. Instead of wallowing in it expecting a payment for your own stupidity. See that you have accountability and maybe folks will finally see that you are a responsible and respectful person.

 This applies to every type of lawsuit, only the solicitors win. not the public the laws are supposed to protect.

Just a thought from an effervescent mind.

Parenting?

 Many a book has been written and read about parenting. Has even one of them been even on the surface correct? I think not.

 My experience of 28+ parent years has been this. You give all you have, Love all you can, and Care more than you ever thought possible. After that all you can do is the best you can do. The best you can do, can be at the time viewed as incorrect. Hindsight and wisdom usually kick far too late.

 At which time you see how incredibly dumb you can be. Even if you are in the right, you can still be dumb. Odds are only you will believe you are in the right of any issue. Ask any female.....

 So, we come to the point of how as a parent can I fix the issue short of claiming I am to blame and I am the problem. Now, I am certain I have and do contribute to the issue at hand, not necessarily without good cause. My tactics obviously have failed.

 In the orient one would call this saving face. My only question is can it be saved?

 I also know that fledglings must learn to fly on their own. I am all for that. Why must I have to acquiesce? Simple if I do not I will lose.

 It could also cause a domino effect,  one of pain and joy. One of jubilation and sorrow. All depends upon me now If i have lost then I have nothing left to lose? Have I lost at a game I did not understand I was playing? Does not Love, Care, and Support mean something?  Makes you wonder at times.

 Is not sacrifice and patience counted for something? I am clueless at this point. Far more than I am able to fully understand. The idea that you have done everything you can think of and more, yet nothing works is a quandary. 

Dark Shadows

 If you look hard enough, persevere long enough, and work even harder. You may find the Dark Shadows in yourself.

 I know I have found some in me and am certain there are far more unrevealed.

 The idea with this is simple, there is always something that you, I, or anyone else will never comprehend. A space, piece, or part of yourself that is less than appealing to say the least. The darkness that lies within.

 Most folks deny, refuse or even ignore that part of themselves. Until one day something arbitrary happens and like a dam breaking the darkness floods the mind and body. By arbitrary, I mean something traumatic be it good or bad. A trigger of sorts. 

 The feeling of simply losing one's mind in a sense, not being able to connect, interact, or even do the simplest of tasks. Be it all mental or all physical or a combination of the two.  Somehow most of us tend to be able to hide this part of ourselves quite well, others not so much.

 Now I do not necessarily mean evil or vileness, Although those are closely associated with the rest of the darkness. I am talking about the fact that to control one's self, truly control one's self, means many compromises, decisions, and careful monitoring of one's behaviour.

 The last one I am not the most successful at. Be it outside influences or internal ones has little bearing, one begets the other in most cases. I don't know about most of you out there but I am becoming very weary of dealing with all of what has been placed upon my shoulders. One helluva heavy load.

 One never truly knows what one can do until they try. Does this apply to the darkness as well? I would assume so. Does this mean we are all potential psychotics? Likely. Does it mean we are all destined to follow the darkness? In some ways I think so. How this all ties together is easy, we all have capabilities we are unaware of consciously, be that Good or Darkness. Likely Both.

 So, this garners one more question. Is there a way to defeat the darkness? Well, so far I have drawn a major blank on this query. 

Pinky, are you pondering, what I'm pondering?

Umm, I think so Brain, but burlap chafes me so....

.

Looking For Answers

OK new Game! How Come:


 How Come, People can not live in Peace?
 How Come, We are not allowed to Live?
 How Come, We can not embrace Love?
 How Come, We must Suffer?
 How Come, Things never go as Planned?
 How Come, Things Never Change?
  


 This is just a start and , no religious answers do not count. They are fiction at best in most cases.


 It is a way of trying to think outside the average persons norm. A perspective one can not fathom due to the constraints of one's mind and programming since birth. Is it possible to come up with concise, accurate, and, sensible answers? Likely not.


 We being the humans we are are subject to fallibility. So, if this is true then there will be little consensus to the real answers to the above questions. Yes a percentage of people will agree on one or more answers to one or two questions. Overall, the answers will vary greatly.

 Now, I know for a fact the first thing to enter most folks minds will be a religious/biblical answer. Since all that is, is a cheap and easy way out. It does not answer the queries. And, they do not apply to the real world. I can not accept those type of answers.


 Just a thought on my part here. If we could find, gain, or ever come close to the factual answers to the above questions would we accept them? Would we discount them as heretic or evil? How could we not believe the facts and substitute our own versions?


 Funny about that most of us do just that, substitute our reality to fit our needs. Refusing to believe the reality for it does not reflect the ideals we wish to embrace. The reality we live in is not what we want, so we fantasize other realities to put in those places we refuse to see, or would rather not.view at all.


 At times, when we finally allow the true reality to creep in we are petrified at what we see, feel, and hear. How can a peace wanting people be so detrimental to other people? We allow our selves to live with blinders on. As I prefer to think of it the "If it does not affect me then everything is fine" attitude. We tend to see only what we want to see, hear only what we want to hear, and tune out everything else.


Now the everything else matters more than most realize. Every action in the world has an affect upon you and yours, be it the most minute grain of sand ten thousand miles from you or something as large as a mountain a mile away. To the anatomy we as homo-sapiens share.


If this is true then the simplistic sense is we are all in fact one, We are just one big jigsaw puzzle at the moment trying to fit together with no one able to figure out where the first piece goes.

My Shit's Fucked Up

"Well, I went to the Doctor. I said I'm feeling kinda rough. Let break it to you son you're shit's fucked up. "

 " I said my shit's fucked up? Well, I don't see how! He said the shit that used to work, won't work now."

" I had a dream aw shucks, oh well.. Now it's all fucked up and shot to hell. Yea Yea my shit's fucked up. It has to happen to the best of us, rich folks suffer just like the rest of us. It'll happen to you."

 "That amazing grace sorta passed you by. You wake up everyday and you start to cry, you wanna die. But, you just can't quit. Let me break it on down it's some fucked up shit. Yea My Shit's Fucked Up"

Warren Zevon - My Shit's Fucked Up - Life'll Kill Ya

Well this is about where I am right now. Had a visit with yet another Doctor yesterday. Let's just say it did not go as I had hoped. Not that the Dr. was bad in fact she filled me with much useful information. Unfortunately, not info I really wanted to hear.

 I am to be wearing special and expensive compression stockings and special leg wraps about 3"-4" thick on both legs 20 + hours per day. This will never eradicate the issue just a permanent band-aid Oh, did I say this "band-aid" is forever? Another let's treat the symptom, no need to cure the malady, we can make more money on aspirins and band-aids than we can if we cure him.

 I suppose this is my lot in life, the bear I have to cross, or somehow the karma I am entitled to?

 So, now in about 3 weeks more cancer treatments, scans, pills, possibly radiation, biopsies, procedures, tests, and so much more. I am figuring the docs will do me in before the diseases. They may even beat me to it.


 I know all of this may sound self-centered, maybe even over dramatic. I assure you every word is fact and verifiable. Not looking for pity or sorrow here. Just expressing myself while I am able to.... Likely not doing a great job of it as well.

Reaction To Action

I seem to have forgotten to let you all know about the varicose veins or lack there of.

 Yea, they found 3 total in both legs, in other words  the diagnosis of varicose veins has been debunked. My veins in my legs are in better shape than those 10 years younger.

 So, I am to go to a sports medicine clinic to have them show me how to wrap a leg football style LMAO.

  After over 7 years of Football as a player and as a team medic, it seems ironic I have to pay several hundreds of dollars to be shown what I have known most of my life.

 Once again chalk one more up for the person in charge(who or whatever it is) and subtract one more from me. "Ah you're looking at a man, that's gettin kinda mad, I had a lots a luck but it's all been bad. No matter how struggle and strive, I'll never get out of this world alive"* Thanks Hank....


 The Diagnosis is there is no diagnosis! At least the Doc was honest with me for that I give him kudos! It helps little my issue of severe edema if that is what it is?....

*Hank Williams

Wearing the Inside Out

Well,

  I can now say I have had cameras inserted in both ends.....

 As I suspected they found nothing abnormal inside my throat. So, it seems I now have a migraine, bruised throat, and  not much of a voice. The procedure, if you are not familiar with it is rather simple and very uncomfortable. They insert a camera through your nose into your throat and then have you breathe in different fashions and vocalize (not easy).

Well, I was given the simple news that the procedure that was preformed was wholly unnecessary. Something I was aware of long ago. However, I am trying to change my trust in the medical profession and allow them some lateral movement.

Of course the initial diagnosis was GERD. Now this has never been an issue ever.  Of course the standard issue "you have to stop smoking" comment was made. I have within the last several years I have drastically changed my diet. I avoid as much processed food as possible. I eat far more fruits and vegetables, Reasonable amounts of poultry and beef. Supplements, Prescriptions to the letter. So GERD aka chronic acid reflux is certainly not the issue.

 So, now on to more scans, radiation, and possibly more surgery.

No more pain killers, not that I could not use them. But, I cant afford the side effects, death being the main one....

 Yes I am in a fair amount of pain on a daily basis. I can not allow the pain to become my life. I have been able in a limited way to put most of the pain upon a shelf so to speak. Not ignoring it entirely but allowing it to have it's own space in my being. 

Doing my best to learn to live with the pain and limitations placed upon me at this point in time. Hoping that in this process I will find a proper path to better health. I am trying to be more active and exercise.Not being able to be in direct sunlight for long periods is a limiting factor. Thank the cancer for that one.

 Now yes, I have the plan of eliminating cigarettes entirely from my life. I have stopped for months and and even more than a year prior to now. So, I know it can be done. 6-1- 2012 is the date set for total withdrawal  Thinking if I put a date and time on the issue I am likely to be able to complete the task. I will stop that is no doubt, question is will I do it or will mother nature.

What this all means simply is, more change. Change in my life , how I can live, and many other questions that may well crop up. Change that will certainly be balanced, ie. gain and loss must be equal. How to keep from causing pain for those who matter most, how to keep my pain from affecting others negatively, how I can cope with all the pain and pressure placed upon me. Looks more like a damn buffet than a three course meal.

 I have too many questions and too few answers. I assume that is average.

Remember:


  It is always darkest, 
  just before it goes pitch black..... 

Well, it seems Google has had to change this blog site in a less than stellar way. It needed no changes but just like the government they wish to dictate / legislate stupid. So be it.


I was going to post an elaborate essay of sorts but have now lost the feeling due to the changes I was presented with here. It is not like they don't have my email address they could have sent out a notice of the changes.

I supposed when you have one of the wealthiest companies you can and will do as you wish. No matter those who made you wealthy.

42

The answer to life, the universe and everything. The question seems to elude us.

A reasonable simile, of the realistic search we all face. We all know where we wish to be, getting there is the issue. Obstacles constantly appear to thwart your every move. Getting you no closer to the question.

So if we know the answer why would the question matter? Well because it is the journey not the destination, you answer the question and find the question. You have to accomplish the trials and tribulations to get to the question. The ultimate goal wisdom and peace within yourself.

This is in the simplest terms you can elaborate upon the idea all you wish, it will get you to the same place.

Oh yeah,

Happy Easter to all who celebrate it.

Well, Another Week Another Challenge....

Well, I went to the Doctor and took out my brain. He never saw anyone recover like me....

It seems I am diagnosed with eczema on my hands (insert your own joke here) that is the good news. Also in the mix is a severe case of varicose veins and edema (neither are new just finally diagnosed)

Not quite done yet, It seems there is concern about what is going on inside my throat as well as outside. So I have to have a camera and tools shoved down my throat so they can likely get a biopsy or worse mass of irregular tissue.

I am still on the monthly and bi monthly tests, scans, vampires and more. So this has the potential of destroying my summer of riding my bike to several long distance places. My potential summer that was to be spent with family and friends. It now appears to be more likely a summer of me being immobile, uncomfortable and having to refuse the pain meds and depression.

The initial recommendation is between 2 and 4 surgical procedures on both legs possibly more, 2-3 surgical procedures on my neck and inside the throat.

Will get a better sense of it all on the 19th when I see the surgeon, hoping this will be a simplistic setup/ But if it weren't for bad luck I wouldn't have no luck at all.

Gotta figure Howard is just pissed at me.

What if ?

What if Time Today,

What if I had been able to be a better person?
What if You had been a better person?
What if Peace of mind were actually attainable?
What if Life was black and white ?
What if We are wrong?
What if We are right?
What if Disease did not exist?
What if Death is just that and nothing more?
What if You have no soul?
What if We are destined to be who we are?
What if Freewill is an illusion?
What if We have evolved to this point?

The point to the above is simple, everyone who reads this will try to answer the what if's.

Each will likely come up with a different answer. Mostly there are no real answers to the above questions.

Most of the above are hypothetical at best. Most can not be proven in either direction. Now, Does it really matter? Are these questions so important that you are willing to subscribe to the ideals and principles that come with the answers you choose? Obviously many believe the answer is yes, me I am a on the fence guy, what does not make sense to me makes it difficult to grasp.

To believe in things that are from what I can tell are non-existent does not compute. At least for me, not that I am closed minded just extremely skeptical of the evidence presented me from all sides. I am in fact open minded to the idea of a high power, who or whatever it may be.

Think of it like a security blanket, most people have theirs be it Allah, God, Jesus, Buddha or any other deity they claim as their savior. It makes them feel good to think that they are forgiven, blessed, or enlightened. To have a scapegoat for the misery they suffer, the happiness they get, or the maladies thrust upon them. It is a way for them to not take responsibility for themselves, they have a higher purpose in charge of the lives they lead.

Good, Bad, or Indifferent they have a reason to blame their deity. Religions, Right or Wrong have been a reason for wars, torture, and coercion for over thousands of years now, with no sign of changing in the future. Amazing how the books they all find sacred all preach peace yet it can not be attained. You would think that if every one is striving for Peace and Love it would have happened by now.

I guess Religion is much like Congress.... the matter is stuck in committee...

Been awhile.

Many things have been going on in what I must call my life lately.

Spent much of the time in a dark place for the last 3+ months. Still not completely evacuated yet.
Medical issues aside, mentally I have been somewhere with Marvin the Paranoid android.

Just am unable to get a full fix on the issues at hand. Cancer is a fun disease.... NOT!

Seems it has not gone away entirely or has decided to make a unwelcomed return. Seems like I am destined to battle for my life on a daily basis. Not that I don't in other ways, this however is much different I am playing for all the marbles. Not just a financial woe, or a family crisis things that are mere speed bumps comparatively. The mortality issue is fun to contemplate, research, and realize.

I do not mean fun in the happiness way. More like intellectually conducive. I see things much differently since the first round of cancer and the coma prior. Ideals I thought were paramount seem petty now. Ideals I bet on have become much more important. Things I never saw before have become more important, as has the things I have seen for decades.

My needs and wishes have become far less important, helping others and trying to contribute positively to society have become a focal point in my life. I have been hiding from society all my life. Not that I never wanted to be a part of society, more like society has not had a place for me in it. I used to and still do some push people away in fear or predisposition. I have been working on that problem desperately in the last few years now. Making progress slowly.

I apologize for my absence here and will try to be more active here.

Escapism

Been having nightmares once more, not the boogey man type. These are vivid, fearful, extremely violent, and beyond terrifying. Jason has nothing compared to these.

They have returned with a vengeance unlike no other. One reason is simplistic, I have stopped taking Valium to let me sleep. I have been taking them for many years now in the absence of narcotics, and opiates, which put me in a coma and almost killed me. Not too mention the total addiction.

I currently am required to take numerous medications, hormones, steroids, thyroid level replacements, blood pressure pills and the "happy pills" Prozac & Lithium , I call them " happy pills" Because they make everyone "happy" but me.

Another reason I think the terrors have returned is that I am in need of an "Emotional Rescue"* I have been on a roller coaster for the last several months both physically and mentally. The Cancer has been the major catalyst.

Generally I do not sleep for more than a few hours a day if at all, between my physical pain and the mental state I seem to be in, Of course lack of sleep only adds to the problems.

It seems to be a battle to keep myself together, not certain at times I want to. I have taken a short trip to Dallas to hopefully give me chance to "recover" so to speak. A chance to stop the pain, sorrow, and try to curb the madness.

My inner thoughts have been intense and dismal, almost on an hourly basis I think of just validating my ticket and just get it over with. Seems more plausible the more I think about it. Desperation seems to be the norm right now. I am desperate to feel better, both physically as well as mentally.

I am hoping this trip and my stay here in Texas, will help with these issues. I have great friends here. They put up with me which is not an easy task, I applaud them for their Friendship and Love. I am ever so grateful for and to them.


*rolling stones - emotional rescue

Cautiously Optimistic

It seems the scans have revealed the enlarged lymph-nodes have not markedly changed.

This is cautionary enlightening news. I am on a every 60 day plan. Every sixty days I will have more blood work and scans. So, obviously they are concerned about something that I am not privy to at this time.

I am being told that a portion of the issue is my Lithium: increases WBC, and My TSH levels were way out of whack. So My meds were off and they seem to be having a slight conflict.

For the last 60 days I have disappeared, self inflicted. I apologize for my absence and my behaviour. I am still very out of it at this time, trying to work my way back to me.

Thank all of you as well for your understanding and support.

One Foe Down

According to the Blood Work, I do not carry the gene or have the gene-abnormality that is the cause of leukemia!

One good Piece of news,.

Now let's Play:

Wheel - Of - Cancer!

Lets spin the wheel and see which malady I can get for a parting gift.

I still have numerous Scans, Tests, and to be put under the microscope this week!

Ultra Sounds, MRI's, X-Rays, etc....

Well, at least we know one thing it is not.

And I asked to play The Price Is Right!

Belated

My Eldest Son has turned 24 yesterday, I hope he had a good day and is happy with his conquests.


Love,
Dad

Depression

Definitions of Depression:

• Depression (mood), a state of low mood and aversion to activity
  • Mood disorder, a class of mental illnesses featuring depressed mood
  • Major depressive disorder, one of the mood disorders, commonly referred to as simply depression
  • Depression (differential diagnoses), illnesses, other than mental illnesses, featuring depressed mood
• Depression (physiology), a reduction in a biological variable or the function of an organ
• Depression (kinesiology), an anatomical term of motion

• Depression (geology), a landform sunken or depressed below the surrounding area.
• Depression (economics), a sustained, long-term downturn in economic activity in one or more economies
  • Great Depression, a severe economic depression during the 1930s, commonly referred to as simply the depression
  • Long Depression, an economic depression during 1873–96, known at that time as the Great Depression
• Depression (weather), an area of low atmospheric pressure characterised by rain and unstable weather

Closer to Me:

Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people experience abnormally elevated (manic or hypomanic) and, in many cases, abnormally depressed states for periods of time in a way that interferes with functioning. Not everyone's symptoms are the same, and there is no simple physiological test to confirm the disorder. Bipolar disorder can appear to be unipolar depression. Diagnosing bipolar disorder is often difficult, even for mental health professionals. What distinguishes bipolar disorder from unipolar depression is that the affected person experiences states of mania and depression. Often bipolar is inconsistent among patients because some people feel depressed more often than not and experience little mania whereas others experience predominantly manic symptoms. Additionally, the younger the age of onset—bipolar disorder starts in childhood or early adulthood in most patients—the more likely the first few episodes are to be depression.^[6] Because a bipolar diagnosis requires a manic or hypomanic episode, many patients are initially diagnosed and treated as having major depression.

Depressive episode

Main article: Major depressive episode

Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation, or hopelessness; disturbances in sleep and appetite; fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyable activities; problems concentrating; loneliness, self-loathing, apathy or indifference; depersonalization; loss of interest in sexual activity; shyness or social anxiety; irritability, chronic pain (with or without a known cause); lack of motivation; and morbid suicidal ideation.^[7] In severe cases, the individual may become psychotic, a condition also known as severe bipolar depression with psychotic features. These symptoms include delusions or, less commonly, hallucinations, usually unpleasant.^[8] A major depressive episode persists for at least two weeks, and may continue for over six months if left untreated.^[9]

Manic episode

Main article: Mania

Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated mood, which can take the form of euphoria. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep, with many often getting as little as three or four hours of sleep per night, while others can go days without sleeping.^[10] A person may exhibit pressured speech, with thoughts experienced as racing.^[11] Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant, or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable, or as if they have been "chosen" and are "on a special mission" or have other grandiose or delusional ideas. Sexual drive may increase. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood.^[12] Some people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.

To be diagnosed with mania according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a person must experience this state of elevated or irritable mood, as well as other symptoms, for at least one week, less if hospitalization is required.^[13]

Severity of manic symptoms can be measured by rating scales such as self-reported Altman Self-Rating Mania Scale^[14] and clinician-based Young Mania Rating Scale.^[15]

Hypomanic episode

Main article: Hypomanic episode

Hypomania is generally a mild to moderate level of mania, characterized by optimism, pressure of speech and activity, and decreased need for sleep. Generally, hypomania does not inhibit functioning like mania.^[16] Many people with hypomania are actually in fact more productive than usual, while manic individuals have difficulty completing tasks due to a shortened attention span. Some people have increased creativity while others demonstrate poor judgment and irritability. Many people experience signature hypersexuality. These persons generally have increased energy and tend to become more active than usual. They do not, however, have delusions or hallucinations. Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness, though it carries the same risks as mania.

Hypomania may feel good to the person who experiences it. Thus, even when family and friends learn to recognize the mood swings, the individual often will deny that anything is wrong.^[17] Also, the individual may not be able to recall the events that took place while they were experiencing hypomania.^[6] What might be called a "hypomanic event", if not accompanied by complementary depressive episodes ("downs", etc.), is not typically deemed as problematic: The "problem" arises when mood changes are uncontrollable and, more importantly, volatile or "mercurial". If unaccompanied by depressive counterpart episodes or otherwise general irritability, this behavior is typically called hyperthymia, or happiness, which is, of course, perfectly normal.^{[citation needed]} Indeed, the most elementary definition of bipolar disorder is an often "violent" or "jarring" state of essentially uncontrollable oscillation between hyperthymia and dysthymia. If left untreated, an episode of hypomania can last anywhere from a few days to several years. Most commonly, symptoms continue for a few weeks to a few months.^[18]

Mixed affective episode

Main article: Mixed state (psychiatry)

In the context of bipolar disorder, a mixed state is a condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously.^[19] Typical examples include tearfulness during a manic episode or racing thoughts during a depressive episode. Individuals may also feel incredibly frustrated in this state, since one may feel like a failure and at the same time have a flight of ideas. Mixed states are often the most dangerous period of mood disorders, during which substance abuse, panic disorder, suicide attempts, and other complications increase greatly.^[20]

Associated features

Main article: Associated features of bipolar disorder

Associated features are clinical phenomena that often accompany the disorder but are not part of the diagnostic criteria for the disorder. There are several childhood precursors in children who later receive a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. They may show subtle early traits such as mood abnormalities, full major depressive episodes, and ADHD.^[21] BD is also accompanied by changes in cognitive processes and abilities. This include reduced attentional and executive capabilities and impaired memory. How the individual processes the world also depends on the phase of the disorder, with differential characteristics between the manic, hypomanic and depressive states.^[22] Some studies have found a significant association between bipolar disorder and creativity.^[23]

most content from Wikipedia

Bad Luck Streak in Dancing School....

Not sure what to really express here today, Life as we know it sux.

Still awaiting the report form the cancer hematologist, the waiting truly is the hardest part. We know there is an issue now we have to be magicians and pull the best disease out of the hat, if there is a best one.

Maybe I'm being a bit over dramatic, although it is unusual for me to be so without reason.
I can hope I suppose. attempt to find a positive in the midst of negativity.

Waitng, Watching, Looking , Hoping.....

Well the first of several tests have been done DNA, CBC, and so on. Leukocytosis is the initial diagnosis, Which means Very High White Blood Cell Count. So it is not a new diagnosis.

The DNA Test is to see if my I have the gene or gene abnormality for leukemia and other serious abnormalities.

The other blood work will let us know other possibilities.

Then possible Bone Marrow sample may be required.

It seems that the medication I take to keep my somewhat mental stability may be in fact one of if not the culprits. So the medication I take to stay "normal" may in fact be making me ill.

Talk about irony. Options are few, choose to live and be unacceptable completely to society and likely commit a way for myself to no longer exist, or keep taking the medications and slowly but surely commit suicide?

Mind you the Docs are not done poking , prodding, inspecting, detecting, injecting and rejecting. Much more tests forthcoming, scans, xrays,mri's, and so on...

More time to worry, think, and be, fearful of the unknown. How much fun can one have.

One good thing my younger son turned twenty today! Happy BirthDay Son!

Realization?

It seems I have been spending a good amount of time focusing upon myself and my issues, not what I have worked for.

Still have not gotten past the fear stage. In fact, the more I research I do the less I wish I had. Most of what I find is fair at best fatal at worst. Balance? Sure seems not so. Having the health issues in the past has a profound influence upon the fair side as well.

So, for now depression and fear seem to be occupying much of my emotional energy. The closer to the scans, appointments, and tests, the more the emotional roller coaster shall intensify. Physically already on the ride.

Bit More Info......

From: steadyhealth.com

However, too much of white blood cells doesn't always mean a good thing. A high white blood cell count (also called leukocytosis) isn't a specific disease but could indicate an underlying problem. This is why high white blood cell count always requires further medical evaluation.

A normal white blood cell count is between 4,500 and 10,000 cells per microliter. In the absence of any disease, they form just about 1% by volume of the total blood in the body. There are five different types of white blood cells and each serves a different function in the body. They are the neutrophils, lymphocytes, monocytes, eosinophils and the basophils.
The differential blood count gives a clearer picture for the cause of a disease.

In a normal person, the number of white blood cells ranges:

• Neutrophils: 3150 to 6200
• Lymphocytes: 1500 to 3000
• Monocytes: 300 to 500
• Eosinophils: 50 to 250
• Basophils: 15 to 50
per micro liter of blood.

These counts serve as indicators to specific diseases. For example, a high neutrophil count would indicate an infection, a cancer or physical stress while high lymphocytes counts would indicate AIDS. High monocyte and eosinophil count usually pinpoint bacterial infection.

High white blood cell count could indicate

• Infection
• Inflammation
• Trauma
• Tissue damage (from burns)
• Use of certain medications, such as corticosteroids, antibiotics or anti-seizure drugs
• Allergy
• Chronic bone marrow diseases such as a myeloproliferative disorder
• Acute or chronic leukemia
• Diverticular Disease
• Intense exercise
• Severe physical or emotional stress

High white blood cell count are considered normal in certain situations

• Pregnancy in the final month and labor may be associated with increased WBC levels.
• Spleen removal could grant persistent mild to moderate increased WBC count.
• Normal newborns and infants have higher WBC counts than adults
• Too much smoking could also cause an increased WBC count.

Well, I am not pregnant, I still have my spleen, and it has been 48 years since I was a newborn. Now who determines "too much" smoking? 1 is too much in reality however, for some 40 is not enough.

White Blood Cell Explaination

White blood cell (WBC, leukocyte)

• Conditions that cause high WBC values include infection, inflammation, damage to body tissues (such as a heart attack), severe physical or emotional stress (such as a fever, injury, or surgery), burns, kidney failure, lupus, tuberculosis (TB), rheumatoid arthritis, malnutrition, leukemia, and diseases such as cancer.
• The use of corticosteroids, underactive adrenal glands, thyroid gland problems, certain medicines, or removal of the spleen can also cause high WBC values.

From WebMD.com

High White Blood Cell Count

By Mayo Clinic staff

A high white blood cell count usually indicates:

• An increased production of white blood cells to fight an infection
• A reaction to a drug that enhances white blood cell production
• A disease of bone marrow, causing abnormally high production of white blood cells
• An immune system disorder that increases white blood cell production

Specific causes of high white blood cell count include:

• Acute lymphocytic leukemia
• Acute myelogenous leukemia (AML)
• Allergy, especially severe allergic reactions
• Chronic lymphocytic leukemia
• Chronic myelogenous leukemia
• Drugs, such as corticosteroids and epinephrine
• Hairy cell leukemia
• Measles
• Myelofibrosis
• Other bacterial infections
• Other viral infections
• Polycythemia vera
• Rheumatoid arthritis
• Smoking
• Stress, such as severe emotional or physical stress
• Tissue damage, such as from burns
• Tuberculosis
• Whooping cough

Abstract

Life is Abstract, in so many ways.

We have very little control over Life, no matter what we tell ourselves.
Best we can do is ride the wave in a better fashion than the next guy.

Hope? well hope is what we can do the most. We should as well. Hope will give us reason to continue trying to fight a fight we can not win. In the face of total adversity we need something to cling to.

Hope allows us to sleep at night, strive to improve ourselves, and to Love.

As we all know Love triumphs 100% of the time, which is why we hope to live longer, why we hope to be loved, and why we hope to improve ourselves.

Health?

"Here I Stand Before Me"

My doctor told me that it was time for me to have my X ray
Of course, I had many nightmares about that fatal day
The room was dark and my skeleton was floating on the wall
My voice trembles down inside me
I'm trapped way down in my body

I, I, I, oh here I stand before me
But something's out of place here
My mind's eye is missing from my body
Well I know it's there but I can't see where

Well take my fingers, what do fingers really mean to me?
You can easily look them up in the dictionary,
They call them digits, but technically they're known as the "phalanges"
My joints connected up inside me
Way down deep inside my body

My bones shine brightly, a map of my whole body
My vital organs just churn away inside me
Some day they're going to stop this motion
And I'll be left with...

My my, the future lay before me
Hey hey, deep inside my body*

*Crash Test Dummies - God Shuffled His Feet - Here I stand Before Me

Happy New Year

Hoping everyone has a joyful and prosperous New Year!~

Insurance Ads

Ok, we have all seen the damn cavemen, duck, pigeon, gecko, and the new addition the frogs.

All of which have become insurance company icons. Some have even taken on a life on their own (cavemen had a short stint on a sitcom). I get advertising, being someone with business and marketing skills. It is a necessary evil.

This brings me to a certain ad on television. I am sure most of you have seen it, if not I am sure it is on youtube.

21st Century Insurance (a company until a year or so ago I had no clue about). Well it seems they made the best commercial for not selling insurance I have ever seen.

The commercial begins with 2 new Japanese imports parked far too close together. Along comes the little man in the hard hat/helmet driving a 1965 Cadillac Coupe de Ville Convertible, He muscles his way in between both other cars by ramming them out of his way with the Caddy.

Needless to say the Jap cars fell apart all over. The Cadillac: NOT A SCRATCH! Now if you ask me they are making the selling point that if you drive a big old car, you are less likely to need insurance as the car is your insurance! A view I have shared all my driving life. The bigger Car Wins!

So it seems an insurance company is now selling old cars. why? cuz they don't fall apart on impact. LOL

Just a warped sense of reality at work.

Positivity

I have been attempting to bring more a positive light on my life.

The are many things I have to be positive about, grateful for. and. pleased about.
Somehow negative actions, feelings, and emotions seem to cloud my ability to allow myself to be positive. Not unjustified, likely deserved. But a hurdle I have yet to clear in this life.

The fact that I still exist in itself is a very positive thing. Along with the good is the evil. Disease, Sickness, Mind Altering Medications, and, general depression. So it seems the scales of life are never in balance but, I'd sure like them to come close once in awhile.

Torn may not be the proper word but it is as close as I can think of to describe my current place in this life. Maybe, it is the way it should be? Is it really all there is? "What if this is as good as it gets"*

Onward, Upward, and, ever Forward

*Jack Nicholson- as good as it gets

Christmas Passed

Well, we have all survived another silly season.

Hope that everyone's holiday was filled will Love and Kindness.

Now on to the next, New Years Eve. The time when everyone feels the need to get too drunk to walk, much less drive. Yet most attempt to do so. Some successfully others not so much. Do everyone a favor this year Designate a driver, call a cab, call a friend, or better yet stay home.

Have a Safe Holiday

A Christmas Wish For All

During this season things seem to glaze over, grey out, or just plain ignored.

I am hoping that all who read this can avoid the above. See the real spirit of the season, give of yourselves without ulterior motives and show the Love that is deep inside of all of you.

Remember, we only get one shot at this. Make it the best you possibly can. Try in your own way to be charitable, kind and loving to all around you.

You can make this season what you desire, All it takes is the will and a small amount of effort.

In this way you can enjoy Christmas and help someone else enjoy it a little bit more.

With Love and Care. MERRY CHRISTMAS!